My Controller

It’s been a tough month. I feel like I’ve gone into a bubble of negativity, constantly being harassed by my anxiety with her attacking thoughts. I have been here before, last time I was 19 years old with no clue it was anxiety, just a head full of fear for no apparent reason. I’m so thankful for that time in my life; the skills I learnt through my emotional breakdown have been like gold nuggets of knowledge to me now but sometimes these attacking thoughts can catch you off guard for a moment and you get sucked right into their lies. At the time of my emotional breakdown I had no idea why all of a sudden I was experiencing this crippling anxiety. I know now at the time I was sexually assaulted by three of my friends from school, one was my ex boyfriend, someone I thought I could trust. After being at a nightclub with him he offered to give me a ride home but first he had to stop at a friend’s place; I agreed and didn’t think anything of it but once I got there their intentions become clear. I then had to go home to a father who was also assaulting me and my little body couldn’t cope anymore. At the time I didn’t know this because I dissociated.

What I know now

I recently read a blog post about a woman who labelled her anxiety her controller; this spoke volumes to me! This resonates with me because anxiety thoughts are so controlling and manipulative. They try to control your every move and criticize you for not being good enough. What I know now is there is a root cause for your controller.

Three causes of your controller

Trauma system being triggered

When your trauma system is triggered it goes into fight or flight response; the fear part of your brain gets switched on and lets you know there is danger. The problem is the danger is not in the present, it’s in the past. Our bodies naturally go into this fear state and our controller takes over our mind.

The enemy harassing you

Satan comes with accusations, temptations, and deceptions. He is the father of lies, John 8:44.

Your flesh

Therefore, brethren, we are debtors – not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh, Romans 8:12. We are called to live from spirit not flesh but our flesh can be pretty convincing sometimes!

Man shall not live on bread alone, but every word of God. Luke 4:4

Now we know why we get harassed by our controller, how do we get rid of him/her? God says to live on every word of His; this is the bible and the spoken word of God. What is the Holy Spirit saying to you at this moment in your life? The Holy Spirit whispers so much truth to me but sometimes I miss it because my controller speaks louder. Tune into what God is saying to you, write it down, and speak it out daily. Find scripture that speaks into your circumstances and speak it out daily too. Next take every thought captive; does it line up with what God says about me? Finally face those roots of trauma (preferably with a trained professional). Fear naturally comes up when you face traumatic memories as that part of your brain is activated during a flashback; it’s a normal part of the process but don’t get stuck there. Look for what Holy Spirit is saying or doing. When we eliminate the fear of our pain; the pain loses its power. Then facing our pain becomes a beautiful moment between you and God; suddenly joy shines through and becomes your strength, your shield against your controller. Remember YOU ARE SAFE NOW.

Do this from a place of rest

There is a difference between being strong and having courage. Being strong is usually referred to as sucking it up, force, performance and requires a lot of energy; working out of the flesh. Courage is quiet trust, faith, and rest. We can’t go into battle all tense and forcing our way through; we will burn out and become more anxious. We must go into battle through peace and rest. I do this through daily soaking sessions with the Lord, allowing Him to renew my strength and relax my nervous system. Graham Cooke says, the way to participate in spiritual warfare is to rest, the enemy will get tired, and will not have the stamina to keep going. Only God can give us the ability to not grow weary or faint.

As you face your controller and the pain of your trauma, remember at the core of every negative thought is fear, and fear has a louder roar than its bite. It appears so much bigger than it really is.

Much Love,

A prayer to release the fear of pain

Lord Jesus,

I soak in your peace, release me from my fear, and allow me to face my pain from your loving perspective.

Show me Holy Spirit the truth about my memory and break off any lies I believed about myself.

Thank you for your protective hand over me. You knew me in my mother’s womb and purposed a life for me. Show me your plan for my pain and give me the courage to pursue it.

I am safe. You protect me.



8 Responses to “My Controller

  • Thank you. Thank you for being so open. Thank you for this.

  • Thank you for sharing your story! I have struggled with anxiety the last few years.

  • Ohhhh I loved reading this. Thank you for sharing your heart. I related in SO many ways!!!

  • Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts on this! Anxiety is kind of taboo in our culture, but when I talk to other women so many deal with it. I appreciate your insight and encouragement 🙂

  • Thank you for sharing! I love that you recognize and speak the truth. Anxiety is such a hard thing. Very encouraging.

  • Jen Doyle
    8 months ago

    Thank you Mel. I hate that any of these things happened to you, and am so grateful that you have the strength to share.

    This part, in particular, is so so so relevant to me today,”The problem is the danger is not in the present, it’s in the past.” How important to remember this and how easy to forget. Thank you for putting it into words!

    Jen xxx

    • Thank you Jen, I appreciate that.
      I’m so glad it helped you, that’s why I write so openly about my experience, in hope that it connects with someone and helps them to feel less alone.

      Much love.
      Mel xx

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