I choose to live – the truth about suicidal thoughts

The Lord showed me a vision of my thirteen year old self sitting on a rock at the water tank down the road from my childhood house, and He said “that was the day you gave up on life”. I remember the time when I was thirteen and I became incredibly rebellious; I no longer cared about the death threats of my Father, I started to feel like it no longer mattered if he killed me, actually it would be better if he did then everyone would know the truth and I would no longer have to carry the pain of my secret. I spent the next six years acting out, drinking, smoking, running away from home, sneaking out at 2am and walking the streets without any fear of what might happen to me. I welcomed danger and danced with death in hope that it would numb my pain but it just created new pain, new rejection, and distance from reality.

In the last year the Lord has taken me on a journey to heal that pain. By taking me back to the moments I chose death instead of life; there were many, too many to count, I wanted to die, I wanted it all to end. I didn’t think about Heaven and hell, I felt like I was already in hell, it didn’t matter what might be waiting for me on the other side, I didn’t care. Thankfully I found God in amongst my pain as a teenager and I realised there was so much more to life than what I had seen. But that didn’t stop the thoughts from creeping into my mind. “Drive into the oncoming traffic”, I heard every time I was on an open road or a highway. “End your life, you don’t matter” would follow. I always responded with a firm “No!” but that didn’t stop them from coming back the next time I was on the highway.  When you are filled with shame and unresolved pain it comes out in your automatic thoughts, I didn’t want to commit suicide, I had no desire to follow through on the thoughts but yet they still haunted me from the deep well of shame that was in my heart.

Last week I saw in the news another sexual abuse victim who took their own life. Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park took his own life after a battle with depression and a childhood of sexual abuse by a family friend. Another report stated that priests in Ballarat had sexually abused 33 children within their parish, 12 of them committed suicide.  Suicide stats are creeping higher as victims of sexual abuse struggle to deal with the impact of the abuse on their lives. I want to normalise this side effect in hope that we can save survivors lives. Is it normal to have suicidal thoughts? No not for everyone but it is for survivors of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse attacks a person’s identity, who they are at their core, and creates a shaky foundation for their adult life.

Decide to partner with life instead of death

I am the light of the world. He who follows me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life. John 8:12

I have had to consciously make a decision to partner with Jesus who is life, light, and truth, over partnering with death. I don’t blame myself for partnering with death; it’s how I survived, we all have to find a way to survive the pain of trauma in our childhood and that’s how I survived. But I do have to make a decision to no longer partner with the wrong spirit. All of life flows from Jesus. Choosing to live life through Jesus is choosing to live in the light of life. Light is peace, truth, and love; it is all the Kingdom of God has to offer, living out of a mindset of Heaven and knowing God’s nature and who He wants to be for you at this moment in your life. As we journey this out we may still be harassed by the thoughts provoking us to partner with death but the important thing is we don’t listen to them. Notice them and don’t be bothered by them; the more we ignore them, the less scary they become. They are coming out of your sub conscious mind where all the shame, pain, and brokenness are hidden. It takes time to create a new pathway in your brain. Dr Caroline Leaf believes it takes 21 days to create long term memory of a new habit and a further 42 days to make it stick. Expect them to stick around for a short period of time but they won’t be there forever.

Give this daughter freedom!

Part of my walk with God has been His ability to show me the bigger picture. God has showed me times my abusers could have gone too far and taken my life, but He saved it, He wanted me alive. It’s a powerful thought that God wants you alive, that He chose you before you were born for a purpose, and that you don’t need to fear what may have been because He ultimately is in control of life and death. Jesus made it possible for us to live in freedom of death. The cross was more than just a death; it was your re-birth into a new family. You and I have been given a new family with a new childhood with no pain, no fear, no sadness, and no dysfunction. We have been born into a new family with a new blood line, a new inheritance, a new generational line; starting with Jesus who is our brother and God who is our Father. God is in the business of reconciliation; He is reconciling His children to Himself, to their real family. God has given us back our freedom, that’s why there are no rules in relationship with God because He wants to free us from the brutal rules of our childhoods, the oppression, the abuse, and the prison that you lived in from such a young age.

You are free!

You are strong!

You are the opposite of everything they called you, they said about you, and they caused you to believe about yourself!

You are a new creation!

You are my precious daughter! – God

You are part of My family now, it’s not like the family you grew up in. It’s full of Love and acceptance. – God

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please consider seeing a counsellor. You don’t need to suffer in silence. You are not alone; there is help available for you.

If you are in crisis or need urgent help, please call;

Life line –  13 11 14

Much Love,

8 Responses to “I choose to live – the truth about suicidal thoughts

  • Jodi Marsh
    4 months ago

    You’re incredible Mel x
    Thank you for your selfless honesty and love for others at a big cost to you, to be brave and honest and speak truth into areas where there are often deep lies. Your posts are amazing!!! ❤
    You are so right – life is a gift that we must choose. The darkness and loneliness of sucidical thoughts can be so overwhelming and all consuming until the onslaught of lies seem so true, but I believe His light brings truth and sets us free. He is the giver of life and death and if we are breathing He wants us here! Clearly you are meant to be here to help and encourage others and speak His truth , and you are doing it with such beauty and grace. I’m very proud of you and I have no doubt your Heavenly Father is too x

    • Thank you Jodie for your beautiful encouraging words.

      You put it brilliantly, if we are breathing then God wants us alive!

      Much Love,
      Mel xx

  • This is very sweet of you to share 🙂 And I agree!

  • Thank you for sharing this brave post! I’m a counselor and work with lots of people with suicidal thoughts It is a huge struggle for many people. I’m glad that you were able to find purpose to your life!

  • and it’s good that we have God with us on whatever journey we are on…

  • Thank you for sharing your heart ❤️ It is something great to overcome by God’s grace. Keep on clinging to the life the Lord has brought you to and encouraging others with your story 🙂

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