I Am Identified

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I can not tell you my story without telling you my mom’s story. Her story is integrated into mine, in order for you to really understand the amazing, unfathomable love and power of God, you have to get to know her first.

Over the years, God has revealed to my mom that the hardships, adversity, pain, hurt, and abuse that she faced as a child and young adult, was so she would have the fire and tenacity to fight for me; and so I wouldn’t go down the same road she did. My mom was born to a struggling mother of 5, an absent, alcoholic father, and an abusive step-father. She was free to do what she wanted, with no guidance, and very little structure. My mom was sexually abused as a child; and in her late teens, she was raped, by her brother-in-law. And the sad part is, the enemy (Satan) tried to tell her, she ‘wanted it’. In her early twenties, she met my biological father who physically and verbally abused her, and treated her with no love or respect. He had numerous affairs. She desired for her marriage to work, and gave birth to a little cute chubby cocoa-skinned baby: me! Ultimately their marriage fell apart, and they divorced. From that day on she was determined to give me the best life she could on the little income she earned with absolutely no help from my biological father. My mom fought so hard, being both the breadwinner, and the nurturer. And it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about how much she had to struggle because she had no support. Then, the unspeakable happened.

My mom again having to work long hours to provide placed me in after school care. It was there, that I was sexually abused by the son of the woman running the establishment. I can remember the morning I told her what was happening, she was devastated; she couldn’t believe her baby girl was going through this. It crushed her. But this very hurtful and heartbreaking thing that I went through was the very thing God used to call her back to Him. Though she met Him as a child going to church was very scarce. With the last twenty dollars of her pay check she bought herself a Mom’s Devotional Bible. She began to spend time with God; reading and praying and asking Him for help and guidance. Fast forward a year, my mom met my step-dad, remarried, and had my baby brother. Four years ago I took on my step-dad’s last name, I legally became his daughter.

Unfortunately being an abuse survivor we tend to have preconceived thoughts and opinions of who we really are and our worth. We feel dirty and/or ugly, we feel like a misfit; unwanted and unloved. I did not know as I grew up that the abuse I went through catapulted itself into my future. At 16, I began going on chat rooms to talk to men online. I allowed the thoughts I had about myself to persuade me into trying to find love on my own. I blinded myself from the fact that what I was doing was dangerous, against God’s Will for my life, and not how He intended love to be; because chatting online was filling that void within me that God should have been filling. But as survivors our perception of what love truly is, and even God’s love, is tainted by our abuse.

The first time my parents caught me talking to a guy online I was willing to pack up and leave to be with this person (whom I found out later on, was really a predator). Something grabbed a hold of me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, to the extent where I didn’t care if my parents were trying to tell me what I was doing was wrong and that it was literally tearing our home apart. I’m sad to say this wasn’t the last time they would have to see me degrade myself to the point of insanity. For five years I struggled with going on chat rooms. Two out of those five years my parents found out I was talking to a man I barely knew, around Christmas time. In December of 2014, God had other plans for me.

On Christmas day my parents were distraught, confused, heartbroken, and upset. They had run out of ways to get through to me that what I was doing was wrong. My Mom was doing her best to celebrate the birth of Jesus, even though, we were experiencing such a dark time in our lives once again. As she entered our kitchen pantry to find the ingredients to prepare our lunch, she was crying out, “Here we go again Papa! What am I to do!?” And the Lord placed on her spirit, “Rejoice in Me.” With no hesitation, my Mom began to rejoice. After that encounter, God gave her scripture to center her spirit and also to speak over me; to call me out of my darkness, and finally into His light! She fought for me in such a way, that she opened my eyes; not just my physical eyes, but my spiritual eyes. It was like I was falling asleep, but at the same time I was dying. But God, through my mom, and her tenacity, snatched me out of the clutches of the enemy. I was so distraught from all the wrong things I was doing to myself, that she even had to fight not only against the enemy but against her own daughter! After some time passed and I decided within myself that I had to be proactive in my faith, I was well on my way to recovery; away from this addiction and further into relationship with God. He began taking away my thoughts about who I was and replacing them with His thoughts about me. That I was fearfully and wonderfully made, more precious than rubies, pre-destined for greater, amazing things than what the world around me says I should pursue. I. Was. Free. No longer chained, no longer under the thumb of my flesh or the enemy. I began to live in the victory Jesus Christ died for me to experience.

One day in my room, I felt something being placed very heavily on my shoulders and my heart. Then I heard God say to me, “My children don’t know who they are”. I began to cry. I can remember asking “God, I can do something about this can’t I?Through this encounter our ministry, ‘I Am Identified’ was born. After this revelation the scriptures that God gave my mom at that crucial moment in our kitchen pantry, came back to me, my mom also got a prophecy that I would speak unto the nations of our world.  I got my call to obedience and belief, and my call to destiny all in the same moment!

Since being pulled out of my pit of despair with new revelation in my heart, my life has purpose as I speak for, advocate,  and give a helping hand to young women.  I can not forget to mention, that my mom and I are the greatest of friends, the best of confidants, the most understanding of co-workers in the ministry God has charged us with. She is my right hand, my P.R., my counselor, my helper, and a HUGE part my life. God has truly returned what the locusts have eaten in our relationship, because she missed out on so much of my childhood. I can only pray that every girl in this world gets to experience a loving relationship with their mother as I do with mine everyday.

My mom and I through our ministry want all young girls and women to know that God loves them! I know that maybe you’ve heard someone say that to you before, and maybe knowing that, hasn’t really done anything for you; but I want you to know that God’s love is freeing. God’s love is understanding. God’s love is unfathomable. God’s love is warming, in fact God is love (1 John 4:16)! And when you have faced that abuse in your life, He wept over, and with you! You may think, “why did God allow this to happen to me?”, and I have to be honest, I don’t know the answer. BUT, I know from experience that if you let Him, He will use it for your good and His glory (Romans 8:28) and that He never leaves you in the hands of your abuser! He fights for you in ways you will may never understand. I have to tell you the morning I told my mom about my abuse the Lord revealed to me 10 years later that it was HIM who told my mom. I did not get myself out of bed! HE got ME out of bed! I didn’t wrap my Scooby-doo blanket with glow in the dark bones on it, around myself, HE PUT IT around ME! He loved me so much that He got me up so I didn’t have to endure the abuse any longer. If He showed up in my life like that, He will show up in yours; maybe not in the same way but with the same zeal to see you living in freedom, living in peace, living in acceptance, living in love, and not just love for others but love for yourself. Another thing that God wants you to know and that our ministry stands for is that He’s called you His own special possession (1 Peter 2:9). That you are celebrated in the Heavens above. God wants you to identify yourself with what He says about you, not what your abuse has told you, not what your peers say, nor even what the world says. You are a queen! You are royalty! You are worth more than what you’ve experienced! You are pre-destined to do greater things! God is not going to allow the abuse you went through to stop you from stepping into your God-given identity, and destiny!

 

God Bless,

Marnie & Alexsayah, I Am Identified

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