Forgotten Memories

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After thirty three years of living my life with the impression I grew up in a relatively normal household, I discovered how far from the truth that actually was. I remembered hiding in my cupboard when I was five, this memory was an unfamiliar memory to me. I was terrified of who was going to open those cupboard doors. Then what I saw next changed my life forever. My Dad opened the cupboard doors, chucked me on the bed and sexually assaulted me.

This one memory opened up the flood gate of many more memories of my father sexually assaulting me, violently forcing me and verbally abusing me. I knew my father was an alcoholic, I knew he was verbally abusive and I knew I never felt loved by him growing up, I did not know he was a predator. After the initial shock I had the incredibly hard job of sharing this with my husband, and my Mum. My husband felt sick, we had let this man around our child and he had been a big part of our lives even though he was always a difficult person to get along with. I’m so thankful we never let him babysit our son and we never let our son stay over at my parents house because of his drinking. Our son was safe, praise God.

My sons birthday party was coming up on the weekend, I now had to decide – do I continue as if nothing has happened and continue to have this man in my life or do I break my silence? The answer was clear for me and my husband, we knew our sons safety was the most important thing. I sat my Mum down and shared what had happened……….My Mum understood repressed memories and therefore understood what I was talking about. She was in shock, her husband of 39 years was a predator. Is this really true?

I began to see a therapist who educated me on trauma, dissociation and flashbacks. I had suffered great trauma throughout my childhood and the only way my small brain could cope was to leave the room in my brain and therefore not remember what had happened to me. After suffering with chronic pain for the past ten years of my life, I was finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together. I had been experiencing post traumatic stress disorder and I didn’t even know. As I slowly remember the horrific events of my childhood I’m able to slowly let go of every shattered piece of my soul, eventually I will be whole again. I’m so blessed to have a heavenly father who knows my every need, who created me in love for love and who is capable of putting every piece of my shattered soul back together.

“I know this transformation is painful, but your not falling apart, you’re just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be BEAUTIFUL” William C. Hannan

Much Love,

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